This Season of Life

I keep hearing this phrase and I can relate so much to it words can hardly express. This season of life is a hard one. It’s hard because it is so special and wonderful and we all know it comes to an end. This season of life is hard because as we are living it and at the same time we are wanting it to end, and as it ends we’re wishing we could go back and enjoy it more fully. Having kids might be the most selfless and confusing job there is.

First of all, you may not know this of me, but I NEVER wanted to be a stay at home mom. Maybe it’s because it was what my mom had done and for some reason I never felt like she had worth. She never finished school, my dad made the money, and she was always around me (yuck right?). Looking back I feel so dumb, but that’s suffice to say. So, when I was first offered the gig of staying home full time I was PISSED. Yes, you read that right. I was legitimately pissed. My career in the school system had been on the fast track up. By now I’m sure that I’d have my master’s degree finished and probably have been an Assistant Principal. When my husband, on my birthday, said he had looked at finances and realized it was doable for me to stay home I didn’t want to. I cried, I was upset, how could I throw my career down the drain?? Then I looked at 3 month old Charlie and realized I was being so completely ridiculous. This was a moment of a lifetime, PEOPLE DREAM OF THIS. They wish they could swing staying home and enjoying these few years of life that you never ever get back. So I started this season of life and I dove in head first.
What I first noticed was the guilt. Oh the damn guilt. Mom guilt is a real thing. It is in everything we do! For me it began with lunch. Yes, lunch. I felt bad about making my lunch and sitting down to eat it while watching TV. How stupid was I? It took me a while to figure out that people who have “real” jobs also get to have a lunch break, and go to the bathroom, and walk around and talk to their friends. It took me a while to realize that I too have a “real” job. If you’re new at this you wonder why all these women always have a side gig, or are looking for more. It’s because we plainly don’t feel like we are enough. So basically, I worry that my kids will look at me and think she doesn’t have worth, she doesn’t make money like dad, she isn’t going to a job like so and so. Wonder where that notion came from? I don’t want my kids to see me the way I saw my mom, and maybe you don’t want your kids to see you the way you always viewed stay at home moms. We are our biggest judge, our biggest setback!
In between all this I decided to channel my mother. She was always there, which for a child can be annoying, but she was always there for me. I began doing lunch dates with Charlie, with or without friends. A lot of the women in town had babies and stayed home so we began playdates, morning walks, visits to Disney etc. I made the MOST of it. I try to still do this. Keep my mornings busy with the girls and stay home in the afternoons picking up, winding down. (Granted I never truly did wind down because I decided I needed to start a shop so I would work til 3 AM but that is a story for another day!) Staying home became my job. Planning fun days, and going to run errands was what we were meant to do and we did it together me and C and then the three of us. It wasn’t always easy, but it did become easier with the more we did it. Like my philosophy on travel, even though it can be difficult, it’s always worth it.
As of late the struggle is more with myself. I want to be selfless and do everything for my kids and family but I can’t shake the feeling that I also want to be me. I want to sleep in. I want to go to bed late watching tv. I want to do my hair and make up without rushing. I want to go to dinner with my husband and not worry about booking a babysitting a week in advance. I want to read book in the evening. I, I, I. I am really caught up in I in a time where I can’t. It makes me moody, lash out, & over all down. This is my most recent struggle with this season and I’m working hard to get over it. I don’t have the solution but I just know I’m not alone in this feeling. Again, I remind myself this is just a season. Soon my kids will grow and I will be me again. It’ll be a different me than before kids, but my time will come. Patience truly is a virtue huh?
That is what I guess this long rambling summary of my season of life is… I just want YOU that tired, guilty, judging (of others or yourself) mommy, to realize this is a season. For the new mom on maternity leave struggling to feed your baby, or sleep, or just with the idea that you have to go to work soon and leave that baby during the day— you’ve got this! To that mommy who is home and feeling like there is more in the world than Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and play dates but feels guilty because this is what other people wish they were able to— you’ve got this! To the mommy who is run ragged with one, two, three or more kiddos wondering when she won’t feel like a school bus driver at all times of the d— you’ve got this. To the mommy that is starting work again after some years off and can’t figure out if she can actually do everything she needs to do in a da— you’ve got this! To the mommy that is the mommy and the daddy and has to provide every thing and I mean every single thing for her kids by herse— you’ve got this. To the mommy who works full time and then still works full time as a mom and struggles to balance being fully committed to both aspects of lif—you’ve got this! To the mom that is looking for herself amidst the sippy cups, lunch boxes, and piles of laundry— we‘ve got this! To everyone, let’s just not forget that we are our own worst judge, our own trolls, and that it’s ok to be struggling in our own right. Though we must try our hardest to enjoy this season, it’s also ok to feel drowned in it. It’s normal, you’re not alone!
Love you guys! My 2 year old is now screaming so I am going to go enjoy that part of my season 😉