Mother’s Day without my mom is such a difficult subject to write about. It’s been lingering in my mind for weeks and just trying to come up with words feels like a stab to the heart. I wanted to put my sadness aside and write something though, because I know that having someone else share their experiences can ease the pain a bit.
My mom died two weeks after I became a mother. It’s shocking to even write that because when it happened it was all such a blur. I was a new mom, deep in “baby blues” and just straight up healing from the trauma my body went through. Then suddenly I lost my best friend. She had been sick since I was in middle school and mentally not ok for the two years since she had an emergency leg amputation. That didn’t lessen the shock it was that she was gone from this earth. Mentally I knew that my mom was finally at peace and that wishing her to live wasn’t fair. But deep deep inside I lost a huge part of me.
Honestly, I am very good compartmentalizer and suppressor. I don’t think of what makes me sad and in a way it’s not healthy. This week leading up to Mother’s Day is always hard for me. My feelings are always more dull and I just wish I could sleep til another day. I am happy I am a mom but I just don’t fully enjoy a day where I’m supposed to be celebrating my own mother without her here by my side. I know I’m not the only one in this situation and it hurts. We try to focus on making me happy today and that is a bit straining on me too. I still don’t know what the right answer to this feeling is, but I think it’s important for us to remember we’re not alone in these emotions.
Mother’s Day is a really special day to celebrate the people that raise us. It is also a really sad day for a lot of us. Some people have been trying to be mothers for a long time and it’s just something that unfortunately isn’t in the cards for them. Some of us don’t have our own mothers because they’ve left the world too soon and we wish we had more time to learn, love, and cherish them. Some people never had a mother to cherish, and this holiday just reminds them of that. Some people have chosen not to be a mother. Others may have a strained relationship with their mother or their own child. Some are bereaved mothers, and today is a day where they miss dearly the one who made them mom. I love this holiday but I also hate it. I know how bittersweet I feel and I want to remind us all to think before we speak. It’s a special day, and I don’t mean to say you must act less thankful to the ones you love that are mothers. I think that it’s just smart to be conscious of your words and actions, because for many today isn’t as happy as you may think it is.
Today, whatever category you fit in on this Mother’s Day, I encourage you to surround yourself by the ones you love. Eat food, drink drinks, and relish in the fact that you are here in this world. As for me, I’m thankful to those who showered me with flowers (which are apparently my love language) and sweet messages. Most of all I am thankful that I have a sweet husband and a great friend that helped me enjoy today without lingering too much on what I’m missing out on.
Hope you guys have each found a way to make today special for you and the ones you love.
